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Post by Chelsea Armstrong on Oct 7, 2013 21:43:13 GMT -5
Anything would be great guys  , know it's a lil short, but I promise I'll be posting another later this week! |
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Post by Jason Kaine on Oct 7, 2013 22:03:16 GMT -5
My only suggestions at the moment are to focus less on describing every little detail about everything and focus on the most details on the biggest focal points in the rp/scene.
That and find ways of replacing the word "as". To me not using the same conjuction ( I think that's the term) over and over again is a big art of good writing.
Other than that I liked mostly everything. One thing though, be careful you don't switch from first person to third person right in the middle of everything. Gets confusing.
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Post by Chelsea Armstrong on Oct 7, 2013 22:05:35 GMT -5
The last two I noticed, I never knew how much I used the word as until I got to reading...yeah I gotta expand my vocabulary lol. And the third person switch was my fault, I started working with Rob on that part and didn't change over the writing when I was copying. And i'll try to work on the first one!!! lol. Thank you!
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Michael James
EoV Superstar
EoV Official Match Writer
EoV World Heavyweight Champion
Posts: 92 
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Post by Michael James on Oct 8, 2013 8:21:38 GMT -5
One trick of the trade I use for dialogue is the online thesaurus. I am kind of long winded and that's a serious crutch when it comes to writing so I try my best to keep things short and simple. This roleplay reminded me of a teaser of things that are yet to come for Chelsea. I like that she established her lack of trust in Kaine since they have been enemies for so long. It's gonna be a great match!
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lenton
EoV Superstar
Posts: 76
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Post by lenton on Oct 8, 2013 9:01:03 GMT -5
Good work. Nothing I can say that Kaine and James haven't, aside from an error where you used scene instead of seen a ghost lol.
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Vincent Hale
EoV Superstar
If you want to be respected, you've got to come earn it. I don't hand out respect like it's charity.
Posts: 52
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Post by Vincent Hale on Oct 8, 2013 9:06:29 GMT -5
I thought this was a well-written roleplay. Kept the history between Chase and Chelsea relevant:: making sure that people who 'didn't' know it before, do now. It also built Chelsea's thoughts on Kaine and the fact that she is cautious even if he has seemingly left the U.N. 8.9/10.
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Post by Chelsea Armstrong on Oct 8, 2013 9:07:25 GMT -5
Thanks guys, am glad u liked it and I do like the feedback. My next one will be up to par I promise |
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Michael James
EoV Superstar
EoV Official Match Writer
EoV World Heavyweight Champion
Posts: 92
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Post by Michael James on Oct 8, 2013 9:19:52 GMT -5
With more cow bell. We need more cow bell.
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, know it's a lil short, but I promise I'll be posting another later this week! 
